


Welcome to the Lucifamily

by KitskItloof (WitswItloof)



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Child Reader, Fluff, Gen, Not Beta Read, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Other additional characters to be added, i know i have another lucific going on right now but i need more of this okay, none of this makes sense irl or even in canon but when has that stopped ANY fandom let's be honest, short chapters? probably, wholesome?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-22
Updated: 2020-02-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:26:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22838545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WitswItloof/pseuds/KitskItloof
Summary: Lucifer and his (very unlikely to have) child. Why does he have a child? I don't know dude I just work here. This is also known as 'Lucifer Hides A Child From Everyone Because Plot'.(Reader doesn't have an assigned gender and this is more or less unrealistic/OOC shenanigans because I can't get enough of this fandom. If you have any ideas, feel free to drop a line!)
Relationships: Lucifer Morningstar (Lucifer TV) & Reader
Comments: 2
Kudos: 50





	1. Lucifound You

Lucifer hates children.

He doesn't know why this suddenly popped into his head, but it did. It's like when you have a shower thought about things that haven't affected you in a while, but he wasn't in the shower.

Actually, usually his thoughts are more focused on certain _tasks_ at hand when he's in the shower. Maybe one like--

"Maze." Lucifer's voice was oddly curt as he froze in place, hands on the buttons of his vest while his expression held shock. "...Mazikeen!" he shouted out nervously, looking over his shoulder and at the bar she usually sat behind. At the sight of her not being in his sights, he cursed under his breath and turned around again.

Then he blinked a few times and briefly went over the events of last night to make sure that he hadn't taken any hard drugs and, if he had, that they weren't still in his system.

"...Honestly, not the strangest hallucination I've had," he murmured to himself and turned around, only to freeze in his tracks again. He looked down, then up, then down, then up, then rubbed his eyes and cleared his throat. "Wonderful. Just _peachy keen_. Alright, let us deal with this properly." He sunk down to crouch, rubbing his hands together. "Now, what pit of Hell did you crawl out of, hm?"

You held your stuffed animal to your face, nuzzling into it and looking uncomfortable and slightly fearful. He smiled and raised his brows expectantly, making your shyness worse. After a few seconds of you not answering he sighed, shaking his head and dropping the smile. He shut his eyes for a moment to gather his thoughts before opening them again to the startling realization that you...

...went missing.

"...Well, isn't this great? A teleporting small human broke into my 21-and-up nightclub all the way to the penthouse where I could have very well been doing things no child should ever see." He dusted himself off and looked around, face confused and annoyed. "And I'm also talking to myself, aren't I?" His self-aimed ramblings had some use, at least; the giggle of a young mind echoed throughout the suite like a siren pointing him to the unlikely intruder. "Hide and seek? Not in the mood."

Lucifer made sure to finish buttoning his vest before stepping towards the elevator, but something made him pause. Something sprung to mind, the images of your tiny form causing destruction and death. He tried to reason that you're too small to do anything like that, but it doesn't take much strength to break liquor bottles and go digging through drawers you really aren't prepared to witness the contents of. What if you find knives? Maze isn't the kind of person to leave any in plain sight, but you're a _child_. Children are renown for being idiotic sheep who can--

"Hide and seek it is!" he said with forced cheerfulness, spinning around and holding his arms out. "Rules are that you show yourself immediately and scurry on home." No more sounds rang out which made his face twitch.

_'Think, Lucifer. What does Trixie like? She's a child. All children should be the same, right? They don't develop personalities until they're eighteen, do they? No, no, think. Trixie, Trixie, Trixie. ...Would it be strange to text the detective and ask her what her daughter's interests are?'_

"If you do, I could always make a deal!" he called out, looking around warily. "You know, your surrender for, say... a sweet? Perhaps... chocolate?"

_'Kids like chocolate, right? Well, that and causing chaos.'_

"Or... cash? Money wisely spent somewhere, wherever you'd like, all for your peaceful surrender. Just walk out with your hands up and--" He was ashamed with how harshly he jolted upon the sound of breaking glass, spinning to face the bar. "Bugger," he hissed to himself and rushed to look at the carnage you may have wreaked. There goes a perfectly good bottle of vodka, knocked over carelessly and spilled across the ground like the first drops of shed blood... He didn't want to see what this domino effect might be and his anxious thoughts were doing nothing to quell his expectations. 

Another giggle echoed, taunting him. He sprung to his feet and turned to the sound, fists clenched and jaw tensed. What he didn't expect was a terrified squeak from right behind him, your fragile mind taking the image of an angered massive adult to be a current threat. You stumbled back and his expression faded for confusion and a string of... worry. Why was he _worried_? Not for you, no, he reasoned. He's worried for what you're about to do.

"Alright, little hellion, no need for the... waterworks." He waved a hand through the air like that would swat away your fear. You sniffled and wiped at your eyes, the tears threatening to fall being let loose as he stepped closer. Something in his heart ached at the sight of you cowering away from him. "...No. Nonono, don't do that." You let out a soft squeak of a breath, a short 'eee' that broke into loud sobs that you muffled into your stuffed animal. Lucifer flung his hands in the air and turned away, growling to himself before turning to face you again. "Bloody-- No, no, look, stop that. Stop the-- Hush. Hush! How does the detective deal with-- _Stop crying_!" His voice went from annoyed to borderline desperate when he crouched down in front of you, hands hovering awkwardly over you.

One thought came to mind, and that was a simple observation that just about anyone could make.

_'I am far too sober for this.'_

"Alright, alright, is it money you want? Will that work?" Lucifer reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet, already thumbing through large bills. "Payment for silence, it's a deal, just stop your father-forbid crying already." The sobs and hiccups faded when he held up a wad of cash and his eyes lit up with hope. "See? That wasn't so hard, was it? Now you can leave and--" You started wailing loudly again and he flinched, breathing out harshly through gritted teeth. He was faced with the realization that he might just have to, and he's disgusted to even _think_ this, but... he might have to _ask for help_.

He stood up and tossed his wallet and money onto the countertop, rushing off to his bedroom to make a call. It'd be beyond suspicious to ask Chloe, but... maybe there's one person who wouldn't mind helping him out, at least for now.

As soon as he opened up his contacts he noticed something, something that made him pause in calling on a favor. Your crying was no longer distant, nor did it slowly fall from its painfully loud crescendo, but... it was gone. Entirely missing. Silent as a grave. He didn't know why, but that seemed even worse than the shrieking. He looked over his shoulder and poked his head out of the bedroom, brows furrowed and lips pursed.

This felt like the beginning of a bad sitcom and he wanted nothing to do with it, but he already knew that he was too far in to just leave you be now. _Definitely_ not after you've broken something. 

"...Hide and seek it is," he repeated his statement from earlier, though with more dread on each syllable this time than before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *softly* _lucifather_


	2. Lucifer, M.D

"Alright, you little hellion," Lucifer whispered to himself, looking around the penthouse like he was a hunter following his most dangerous target yet. "Go ahead and reveal yourself now..." Where could a child possibly go, anyways? It's not like there's that many places to hide, right? There was a soft sound that got the devil's attention, a grin dashing across his lips as he turned his head in the direction he heard it from. "It looks like they didn't go _this way_ ," he said with the smile obvious in his voice. The muffled giggle was heard again as he approached the cabinet, slowly reaching out. "I might as well look somewhere... _ELSE_!" He yanked it open, your prior cries no longer at mind with your pleased squeal at being caught. "Caught you, you little cockroach!"

He tore you from your hiding spot, lifting you up with his hands under your arms. You kicked your feet and giggled, not even a dried teardrop to be seen on your cheeks. You seemed pretty pleased and Lucifer found himself laughing along with you, albeit more lowkey. Your joy suddenly faded as you lifted up a hand, tears welling up in your eyes once more as another short 'eee' broke free from your throat. He suddenly dropped you only to catch you under the arms again, now at eye-level instead of above him.

"Oh, no, what--" He paused once seeing what you were so focused on; a scrap of cloth with stuffing fluffed out at the end of it. He quickly looked down back to the cabinet, seeing that your stuffed animal had gotten caught on one of the cabinet's knobs and its arm had come clean off with your death grip on it. He was gentle in setting you down, grabbing the animal from where it was caught and crouching to your level with a nervous smile. "No, no, it's alright! Teddy is fine, see? Just as happy as ever!" He was very wrong with how his rough pull of it away only tore the ragged toy up further, its cutesy bowtie the one caught on the knob and his grip on its body shredding the shoddy thread holding its head to its body. "...Okay, bad example, no, no need for tears, little one, I..." Lucifer grabbed the severed head and torn off arm, looking at the mess of one of your prized possession. 

You didn't hide your face, still crying loudly. When your poor doll was accidentally beheaded you went from wailing to shrieking, stomping your feet and waving your hands while screaming like you were being murdered. He mentally jotted this down as a new punishment to try out in Hell considering how he felt like his eardrums were ready to burst, and your upset expression made his heart twinge with an emotion he wasn't sure he wanted to name just yet.

An idea hit him and he was quick to swipe up his phone, met with his lock screen. Instead of typing in his proper passcode, he typed in three numbers (the wrong ones, of course) and held the phone to his ear as though he made a call. "Yes, hospital? I have the most gruesome scene here! This poor child just watched the terribly graphic _murder_ of their best friend; we need an ambulance immediately!" Your crying slowed down with confusion as he continued to ramble into his phone. "What do you _mean_ you can't spare one?" he sounded aghast as he asked, your shaky breathing having a few laughs in between. "Well, I don't care that they're on lunch break! This is a _murder_! Fine, fine, walk me through it! Who knows how much time this poor victim has left!" Once noticing how your sadness was now mixed with humor, he calmed down slightly and stood up. "Little one, make sure to hold the body pieces together before it bleeds out, I'll get the sewing kit!"

You sat down on the cold floor, doing as told and pressing the torn arm and head back to where they should be while your incidental guardian ran off. He was cursing himself mentally for just about everything that happened up to this point, but didn't let that stop him from searching for a sewing kit that he swore he saw at least once. Upon finding it he sighed in relief, rushing back to find you with his phone pressed against his ear as though he was still talking to someone. He paused once sitting down next to you, looking down at the stuffed animal.

"...I do not believe that that's anatomically accurate," he said while you stifled your giggles. You had swapped the head and the arm while he was gone, but moved them back into place after a few seconds. "Oh, there we are. That looks right." He cleared his throat and pulled out the needed materials, flawlessly threading the needle and moving his phone to the other ear, pressing it in place with his shoulder. "Now what? Do we have any sedatives?" You shook your head and Lucifer looked a bit skeptical. "I don't think that it's strong enough, little one. This is an agonizingly _traumatic_ injury." You paled and he hurried to pick up the stuffed toy, holding the arm in place and readying to sew it as best he could. "Oh, you're right, this is one tough teddy, I can tell! All of these battle scars, what a _warrior_!" His sewing was sloppy and he was worried that it wouldn't hold up, but you held the stuffed animal's other, uninjured arm in worry.

From Lucifer's own experience, this would not be pleasant at all for the poor animal. With the plethora of loose threads and poorly sewn rips and tears, maybe assuming that it was strong wouldn't be very far-fetched, at least. He was careful in tying the knot as tightly as he could, using the scissors supplied to cut any excess before threading the needle again and reaching for the head. 

"What next, doctor?" he asked into his phone, waiting a few seconds and studying your worried expression before deciding to try his hand at cheering you up more. He suddenly looked shocked and offended. "What do you _mean_ , you're not a doctor?!" Your eyes widened, drawn away from his work and instead his face. "You're just a janitor? Why did you answer the phone?! This is an emergency!" You lifted a hand to stifle some giggles at the mental image he was giving you. "Wait, better question: How do you know how to sew up such a horrible wound with-- Hello? Hello?!" He freed a hand to grab his phone and set it aside, looking at you with wide eyes. "They hung up on me!"

You couldn't fight your laughter, both hands covering your mouth and nose. You didn't even notice that your unwilling babysitter had finished the 'surgery' until your giggle receded enough to notice that the stuffed animal was no longer in front of you. Lucifer looked solemn, hands behind his back as he locked eyes with you; you looked ready to cry again.

"I'm so sorry to say this, but..." he said in a gentle voice and you gasped. The scared look faded for relief when he pulled the stuffed animal from behind him, looking just as rugged and rough as before but now in one piece again. "...the surgery was a success!" You swiped up your toy and reached out, roughly bopping Lucifer on the arm with a punch that couldn't even knock a piece of paper over. He found himself laughing at your reaction before it faded as he realized something.

He's with a child that he doesn't know, he's helping them fix their toy, and, most worrying...

...he's having _fun_ doing it.


	3. Accidents Happen

"Right, playtime's over," Lucifer said more to himself than you as he stood. "I have places to go and I'm sure that you do, too, so... if you'd be so kind and tell me where I can toss you then that'd be splendid." You looked up at him, clinging to your toy of undetermined species before pulling it away just enough to motion to your stomach. "...Your shirt?" he asked, looking confused. You shook your head. "I'm not here to play charades, little one, you need to-- _Oh_. Ooooh, yes, alright. Hungry, aren't we?" He fought the urge to sigh while looking you over. "You are quite small. Was your egg neglected or are you just the runt? No wonder you've been left at a nightclub run by the devil. Very well, then." 

He moved to go dig through the bar and see if there was any food-like substances when his phone rang from where he left it on the ground. He huffed and picked it up, answering without even looking at the contact and letting out a noise of disgust when you leaned against him, looking up in curiosity at who he was talking to. Maybe it'd be the hospital again to check in and make sure your stuffed animal was okay!

"Yes, hello?" he asked into his phone while placing a hand on your head and trying to push you away. He didn't want to fling you across the room but that didn't mean that he was averse to at least giving you a little push. Maybe pick you up a bit and accidentally drop you far, far away. Wouldn't be your first time, would it? "I'm a little hung up at the--"

 _"That's just the reason I'm calling."_ Lucifer's breathing caught in his throat as he recognized the voice. _"You were supposed to be here ten minutes ago. Where are you?"_

"Detective!" he laughed, trying to hide his nervousness and failing. You seemed to take his nudge as a game, wrapping your arms around his waist and making him hiss in annoyance. "Yes, yes, I'm actually quite busy with-- _Let go of me you little beast_." He lowered his phone and pressed it to his chest to whisper angrily at you before pulling it back up to his ear. "I might be later than hoped, maybe won't come in, consider it--" He was cut off by a loud, joyous giggle on your part.

"Wait, wait." He tensed up, jaw set and eyes screwing shut. "...Did someone just laugh?"

"Girls always laugh when I'm around, Detective." Chloe went to say something else about how sketchy Lucifer's words were before he cut her off. "Very high-pitched due to them being women, of course. Now if you'll excuse me I have to tend to my adult woman before they keep _crawling on my like a jungle gym what is your damned problem_?!" He quickly clicked the button to hang up and tossed his phone to the couch, grabbing you by the back of your clothing. You became bored with just holding onto his hips and took it into your own hands to have more fun, quite literally with how you were clinging to his top half and climbing up him more.

You continued to laugh when he tried his best to shove you away but even his inhuman strength seemed to be no match for your childish determination and curiosity. It was like you were a new type of celestial made of glue, giggles, and tears. He finally gave up when you moved to sit on his shoulders with your stomach against the back of his head like a neck rest pillow from Hell. Maybe your sobs weren't the only type of torture he can harness if he ever goes back to that abyss. 

"Okay, you had your fun. Now you can get down, right?" He sounded tired of your antics already, moving to set his hands gently on your legs. They were so small and fragile, it's a shock you don't break them when you take too hard of a step. "...Let go of me. Come on. This isn't a game anymore." He grabbed your ankles and tugged on them and you squealed happily, wrapping your arms around his head. This unintentionally made you into a child-shaped blindfold, forearms over his eyes. This might be the one time that he's unhappy in being blinded in his own house. The shock of suddenly being plunged into darkness made him stumble forwards, the smooth sole of his dress shoe meeting the tractionless cloth of your fallen stuffed animal on smooth floor, swiping his support from under him.

Lucifer was lucky that his stumble forwards led to his leg pulling underneath him backwards; the only damage caused to you was the terror of falling and your palms getting sore from where you threw them up to prop you up. Your knees got roughly bashed, too, but that's nothing compared to how Lucifer just faceplanted onto pure marble. It actually knocked his thoughts loose for a bit until he heard the soft whine that was now painfully familiar from you.

He reached behind himself to blindly grab at you while pushing himself up a little, feeling a small head of hair and awkwardly trying to run his fingers through it. "No, no, none of... none of that, now..." he murmured softly while trying to awkwardly push you off. You slid away from him and he hurried to sit up on his knees, grabbing your hands and looking them over. "Are you alright, little one? Come on, it wasn't that bad, you're fine!" He didn't know why he was so worried for you, but it was like you were already endearing to his cold heart.

Once he noticed more tears (how did you not run dry already?!) building up in your eyes, he turned and found your stuffed animal. He quickly swiped it up and shoved it into your arms only to look shocked when you dropped it, hiding your face in your hands and letting loose ear-piercing wails. You're rejecting your own kin, is he sure that you didn't hit your head?

An idea hit him that made him cringe in disgust yet also realize that this might be the only way you'll calm down and let him see if you have any actual injuries other than a few bumps and bonks.

"Why are you crying, child?" You didn't recognize the voice very well, peeking out from your fingers and looking around to where it came from. Your stuffed animal was peering over the couch at you. You sniffled a few times and approached the couch, hiccuping from the sobs you tried to hold back. "You need to wipe your tears, because... well, I'd do it but I'm a little bit..." A hand poked up from behind the couch and grabbed the stuffed animal's arm, waving it theatrically. "... _understuffed_!" You giggled at the pun despite barely understanding it. It was a bit of a stretch to go from understaffed to mentioning stuffing, but hey, at least it worked, right? "See? That's better. You need to--"

You put your hands on the back of the couch and pushed yourself up, peeking over. The raven-headed devil froze, lying on his back on the couch and holding the toy up. You burst into more giggles, wiping at your face with the back of your hand whilst he placed one of his fingers over his lips as though he just shared a secret. You stepped away from the couch, focusing on the doll again.

"Now, be a _doll_ and do me a favor, okay?" Lucifer asked through the stuffed animal's imitated funny voice. You murmured a small 'mhm' and sniffled again. He thought things over for a moment. Asking you to go home seemed... wrong at this point. You're hurt, you're hungry, you're in a nightclub... Well, those are all perfect reasons to send you home, but for some reason he... doesn't want to. Well, he's done lots of illegal things, so... would kidnapping really be the worst? And would it really be kidnapping if he intends to bring you back afterwards? "Tell your new friend Lucifer whatever he asks, okay?"

You hesitated being humming confirmation and agreement again and the doll was dropped behind the couch, the devil in question sitting up and making a show of stretching out his arms and yawning in an exaggerated and clearly fake way. "Oh, what happened? It appears that I dozed off a little," he said, running a hand through his hair. "Oh! You're still here?" he asked upon noticing you, getting a giggle in response. For some reason, this made him smile. It made him _happy_. "Well, now that I'm up and running again after that quick catnap, I have a question for you."

He dusted himself off after getting up, adjusting his clothes and walking around the couch to crouch down in front of you. You suddenly felt shy, looking away. He was intimidating, sure, and yes, you did tell your toy that you'd answer him, but... still. He's like eight feet tall and probably 10 years old. That's a _super_ big deal for a kid like you! He's basically a god!

He gently took your chin in thumb and forefinger, turning your head to face him again. His eyes bored holes into your own like dark pools of knowledge beyond his years, which is saying a lot since he's already an adult. "What do you desire..." His voice was hypnotic before slipping into a more friendly tone. "...for food?" His smile was comforting and made a grin of your own stretch over your round and adorable face. "You said you were hungry, so go ahead and tell me what you need!"

_'Because I don't have a singular clue as to what children eat and the building is filled with drugs and alcohol, which is a tad bit too illegal for me to want to venture in.'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm having lots of fun writing this so!!! i hope you like reading it!!!!!!!!!!!! even if it might be a little ooc ack.


	4. The Feast

"I have no clue how parents raise their children when the instruction manual is so vague," Lucifer snapped to no one in particular while staring at his phone. "'Grains'? What kind? Do I just throw wheat at you and hope for the best?" His minimal mobile Google search led to vague answers and he wasn't about to do actual _research_ to figure things out, so he had a new idea. You were already at his heels while he headed for the elevator so he didn't need to coerce you, and you seemed happy to leave with him. "Wait." You tilted your head and looked up at him while he looked you over in turn. "You're missing something."

You were confused, looking down at your clothes in search until you noticed exactly what you had left behind. You were ready to start up the waterworks again when you found that your guardian was no longer where he was before, but he was quick to rush back out of the main room of Lux soon after, victoriously holding your stuffed animal up. You gasped and happily hugged it to your chest while realization dawned on Lucifer.

Your doll, what you were screaming about earlier, went by your own radar... but not his?

He shook his head to ditch the thought quickly, looking around the sidewalk from where he stood in the entrance with you by his side. "Stay close," he warned, stepping forward only to pause at something yanking at his jacket. Upon looking down he saw your sad, puppydog eyes, one hand holding your doll and the other holding his jacket before you let go of it and gesture to his own. "...No. No, no, there are many things that I've sacrificed so far, but my public image isn't--" You let out your signature whine and suddenly had your hand swiped up in a much larger one, a forced and nervous smile adorning Lucifer's features. "Onward we go, small human!"

You didn't have as long of legs as his so your speed was much lower, but you were at least lucky that the walk wasn't far; just to his car. He opened the door on the passenger's side and moved to the driver's one, sliding in and glancing to his left to where you would be only to pause. The car wasn't _that_ big, but you struggled nonetheless, trying to get your nails clawed into the smooth and flawless leather. Instead of helping you, he was content to watch with a blank expression with eyes that were questioning all of his life decisions, conspiracy theories about his father already coming to mind.

You finally got into the seat properly, even grabbing your seatbelt and clicking it into place, but you choked a bit when the top strap of the belt went across your neck. He sighed and reached over, moving the strap so it was behind your head instead, but the issues didn't end there. You tried to grab the passenger door but couldn't reach, arms far too short, so you decided to unbuckle your belt. Doing this meant that you had to drop from the seat and onto the car floor to stand and reach the door, knocking your stuffed animal out of your lap and onto the sidewalk, so you had to get out of the car and pick it up, but then it had landed in a puddle so you had to wipe it on your shirt and squeeze the water out, and--

"For goodness sake," Lucifer huffed, leaving the car and grabbing your doll from you. He wrung it out roughly and shook it a bit as well as though that would get rid of the dark stain, tossing it into the car and picking you up under your arms. He was a bit rough in placing you in your seat and buckling you in, slamming the car door before returning to his side, only to then realize his own mistake: he tossed the doll too hard and it bounced from the driver's seat and onto the road next to it. This slight inconvenience annoyed him more than he should have, as proven by his growl and rough grab of the doll before firmly placing it on the dashboard and finally getting into his own seat. "Done? Done. We're done. Off we go."

He planned to go to one of the shops to give you a few hundred dollars so you could buy your own food, trusting that you'd know your human diet better than he did, which was a disaster from the start, proven enough by how he couldn't even get you in the car without a struggle. This plan didn't get any easier when you leaned over and started gently hitting your palms against his arm, clearly startling him with how he leaned away and looked between you and the road in shock.

"What? What's going on? Why are you attacking me?" You hit him harder as the car continued to move then shrieked, looking over your shoulder. Your sudden noises made him hit the brakes and you felt your seatbelt, only with one strap over your hips, do nothing to protect you as you slid from its grip; his hand shot out and caught you before you hit the dash, slamming your back against the seat properly. "Look at what you've done! What's got you causing such a--" He stopped when he noticed where you were now pointing. "...My word," he growled to himself, already changing gears to reverse and head to where you wanted.

 _'Maybe giving them the choice of whatever they want off of a menu for such an unhealthy food joint wasn't the best idea,'_ Lucifer thought while watching you across the small diner table, sucking down your second milkshake without a care in the world. He didn't get anything himself, heavens no, but he wasn't about to risk letting you make a mess of his precious car. There was still something that made him smile about how you'd pull away from your drink coughing, then immediately go back to it without learning your lesson. _'A little like most of the women I've dated. Men, too, probably.'_

Lucifer blinked a few times when you suddenly pushed some of your many drinks to him with a bright smile. He smiled back, but it was confused and uncomfortable while he took the milkshake you had offered, though he simply placed it on his side of the table. You stared at him expectantly. "...Thank you." You still looked like you wanted him to do something else and he hesitate before sighing, bringing the drink up to his face and giving a cursory sip from the straw. He had never been a fan of the sweeter delights of this world, but something about this made him be caught off guard.

Before he knew it he had finished off the drink while still in awe over how something could be so perfect in temperature, texture, and flavor like that. You gladly gave him another from your mini-army of milkshakes and he found himself joining in, sharing your food. 

"How can it be so unhealthy but taste so _good_?!" he asked, wiping his mouth and staring at the delights in shock. "I thought I had discovered the only interesting things in the world, but this might just ruin a bit of my monstrous metabolism!" You giggled happily at his reactions, clapping your hands and getting his attention again. There's something about you, he can't tell what just yet, that isn't as bad as most children. He keeps searching for reasons in his mind, reasons as to why seeing you smile makes him smile, but... he's coming up blank.

With a quick huff, he checks the time on his watch. You've wasted a few hours at most, but he already felt tired despite how you seemed to be an endless ball of energy. Maybe you were sapping away his strength like a little crying leech. He briefly wondered as to what else people do with kids, looking you over, but it seemed like you had an endless hunger with how you were halfway through your five-hundred dollar fast food feast and still weren't slowing down, though some of that might be Lucifer's fault.

 _'...Maybe it's be wise to just stay here until you're done,'_ Lucifer thought while swiping up another fry with a grin. _'Solely for you.'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I'm updating this a lot with kinda short chapters but I'm just having a really good time!! doesn't help that Lucifer is my special interest at the moment (*´∀`*)


	5. Counting Goats

Lucifer dusted off his hands and lap, smiling a bit more genuinely and wholesomely than he's used to. "Alright, then," he said, pushing his sleeve up to check the time on his watch. "It appears to be about... noon-ish, which is the optimal time to..." He trailed off when glancing back at you. From where you once sat proudly, you now had your head on the table surrounded by wrappers and napkins, out cold and numb to the world. The sight made the devil pause before he sighed, stepping closer and giving you a harsh tap on the forehead. "Up now. Time to send you back to whatever crevasse you clawed your way out of."

Your eyes fluttered open, bleary with the urge to slip back into a food coma and dream of never eating again from how stuffed you were. You reached out to the man in front of you and dug your tiny hands into his suit jacket before he could push away, clinging to him like a vice and forcing him to scoop you up, else he'd have risked you falling and crying again. He was _not_ interested with dealing with that. For some reason, your charms ever persistent, he didn't feel as upset at the physical contact this time, earning you a sigh that you smiled victoriously about upon hearing before your mind slipped away with another adorable yawn.

He paused before moving to rest you on his hip, grabbing your stuffed animal and shoving it between your bodies before heading out of the restaurant. It wouldn't hurt to let you get some shuteye before taking you home, right? And if you go home singing his praises, he'd be less likely to get arrested or fined; not to say that he couldn't talk (or seduce) his way out of such a situation, of course, as long as the detective isn't involved. He found himself reluctant to pry you away to put you into your own seat but did so anyways, knowing that the only thing more dangerous than leaving you in the front seat and half-buckled would have to be having you in his lap instead.

You were spared many glances on the drive home, uncharacteristic worry filling Lucifer's being. He had no way to tell if you were comfortable or not with how you were rendered speechless, but... maybe the fact that you looked so peaceful helped. Or do human children look peaceful when they're dead, too? What if your heart stopped for some reason? What if you were overfed and were dying because of it but you were asleep so it didn't hurt? What if--

Lucifer slammed on the brakes once noticing that he nearly rear-ended someone, head snapping forward before returning to you. You were barely moved, still so deep in your comatose state that the only change was that you snuggled your stuffed animal ever closer to your face. Noticing that you're fine made him sigh but did next to nothing to quell his concerns, one of which being what kind of celestial being you must be to make him so comfortable around you so quickly. Children are taxing burdens, in his own words, and the smaller they are, the worse, right? So... why do you, practically a tall baby, make his heart so... warm? So fuzzy?

_'I have **got** to be ill. That's the only logical explanation for this... conundrum.'_

And that explanation makes perfect sense with why he was so gentle in picking you up again, with how he adjusted his grip on you to make sure you were perfectly supported, with how he made sure to shut every door as quietly as possible... Damn, he even flinched at the elevator's 'ding' and checked to make sure that you weren't awake, as though that single noise would be more startling than how you were nearly flung to the ceiling with his jolt. 

He was briefly lost while thinking of where to put you. There was no way he was going to risk you ruining his bed, but... was there really any other place to drop you off at? The one moderately comfortable place he could think of was his plethora of furniture, but did he trust you to not ruin that, either? ...Sure, he could get it replaced, and he could replace his bed, but...

You are far more than a handful at this point. He decided on leaving you on a couch, somewhere he could probably see you easily from while thinking of... something to do. Maybe checking his social media or talking to some friends via text. This brought to mind Chloe and how harshly he left her hanging, so he should probably spend time on checking in with her to make sure that his excuse of being with a woman for the day is a firm alibi. 

He was gentle in placing you on the couch, grabbing you a spare blanket and pillow and setting them up with you, even going as far as to adjust the pillow so it was comfortable behind your head and draping the blanket over you in as secure a fashion as he could. His home was always slightly cold and leather doesn't exactly generate its own heat, after all. There was something that he felt was... off. He made sure to look you over before clicking his tongue, pushing the blanket up and swiftly removing your shoes, dusting the couch off to make sure any dirt or grime was at least somewhat misplaced from his pristine furniture. 

...That didn't ease his mind as he watched over you in a relatively creepy way. 

_'Maybe it's their clothes. That's not sleeping attire, is it?'_ He looked over you, lifting the blanket before dropping it again after reasoning that you'll probably be fine. Besides, it's not like he has pajamas for a toddler just lying around, right? He blinked a few times at another realization, crouching down and examining your face. _'...How old even **are** they? A bit smaller than Trixie. ...Maybe. What if they're taller? What age would that make them? What if they're just a tall child who's younger than her? Maybe they're far older but much shorter. What if they-- No. Nonono, Lucifer. Stop this... madness.'_ He stood up, holding his hands up in surrender to himself. _'Doesn't matter about them. Doesn't matter their name, their comfort, their **anything**. After they wake up and are well rested, you'll send them packing, even if they... start screaming again.'_ Just the memory of your vocal range made him wince.

He stepped away, pulling out his phone and checking his texts, but he couldn't focus on any of them. He was quick to shut off his phone and loom over the couch again, making sure that you're still there. He can't have you running off, now, can he? Then you might get hur-- You might get found by the police and sully his name. He couldn't care less if you scrape your knees.

If you start bleeding while crying on the ground, no one stopping to do so much as check on you while you search for the comfort of things you know in such a hateful and cruel city, your poor stuffed animal trampled under the feet of careless watchers until it can no longer be found, your eyes pleading for someone to pick you up and save you, to tell you it's okay, to...

Lucifer roughly hit his temples with the palms of his hands, eyes screwed shut as he hit himself as though that action would knock the overprotective thoughts from his confused mind that you had bewitched with some kind of untapped power. Maybe he's only so worried because he doesn't know what you are. Maybe you're half angel, or half demon, or half angel _and_ half demon, or... 

He hit himself again as his mind traveled to even more unrealistic what-if's, shaking his head and tousling his hair in the process. While looking down upon you again, he found one discrepancy that, without a doubt, was the cause of his fear. He gently reached out and tucked a few stray strands of hair behind your ear, smiling victoriously once pulling away at the comfort that he was no longer going to be worried.

_'Why am I still worried.'_

He found himself pacing behind the couch, glancing over at you and studying you as intently as possible to make sure you were okay. He would go stock-still while waiting to hear you breathe again, he'd tense up at each squirm or wiggle you made, he'd lift up your blanket and check that you still had all of your limbs attached, then hurry to check again after two more seconds just to be sure, only to triple check barely a minute afterwards. Even when sitting next to you he couldn't relax, leg bouncing and a hand on his chin while he struggled to fight the urge to not watch you.

Something came to mind and he bit his lip, resenting the idea yet also oh-so-willing to give it a shot, just to make sure that his fear would end. He was careful in scooping you up, as though you would shatter with the slightest of untoward touches, and each step was slow and precise as to not rock you any more than mandatory with his sloth-paced movements. Even when setting you down on his bed he was as gentle as could be, slowly pulling the comforter overtop you and adjusting how you lay before stepping back.

He found himself staring at you, watching you uneasily and keeping track of the slightest of your movements. It was like you were about to die in a torturously slow fashion as soon as he dares to look away. After enough time in making sure that you would still be in one piece, he moved away and left the room, deciding that maybe some gentle tunes on the piano would calm his mind, maybe even slipping you further into a restful slumber should he play a sweet enough lullaby.

He sat down on the bench and his fingers barely touched the keys before he stood up again and rushed to the doorway to his bed, looking over and at you. At the sight of how you weren't moving, his breath caught in his throat. He crept forwards like a mouse eyeing a trap that it knows it will likely only meet a gruesome fate in, watching you and taking in every slight feature you had, though you didn't so much as twitch.

Once close enough, leaning over the bed, he slowly reached out and placed a hand on your back. You weren't moving at all, probably not even breathing. He knew he shouldn't have looked away, you probably were waiting to die of an undiagnosed illness as soon as his back was turned, and it's all his fault, isn't he? Maybe your food was poisoned and it didn't affect him because of his immunity. Maybe...

You made a soft sound and opened your eyes, rolling on your side and looking up at the devil in confusion. He felt his breath catch in his throat before he yanked away as though burned, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his slacks. "Right. Knew you were fine. I was just about to wake you up so you could..." His words faded upon seeing you give a big exaggerated yawn, legs kicking up and arms stretching out before you went limp again. You weakly pat the bed before your eyes slid shut once more and his heart thumped against his ribcage in a nearly painful way.

It only took him a few more moments before he understood what you meant, sitting on the bed next to you and looking over your form. After a few more, he kicked off his shoes and slid his jacket off, lying down next to you, solely to make sure that his back doesn't get bent out of shape by sitting hunched over. Then, after even more time, he shut his eyes, if only to keep his mind from atrophying by not being in use.

And the fact that he fell asleep by your side was merely to make sure that you don't feel awkward by napping when someone next to you is wide awake.


	6. Like Hot Potato But With Kids

Something cold pressed against Lucifer's lips as he returned to consciousness. His eyes were bleary and his vision was blurred with the sluggish that came from waking up in the middle of the evening after a nap, mouth opening in a big yawn that bared his teeth.

His deep exhale turned into choking when liquid was poured into his mouth, causing him to cough and sit up. This jolted you into sliding from your seat on his stomach into his lap while he sputtered. You seemed to think it was a game, giggling and waving the bottle of vodka like a trophy you had just won. He didn't know whether to be mad at you for this attempt at waterboarding or to be thankful that you at least got him something good to drink, but he settled for prying the glass bottle from your hands and covering his mouth, metaphorical flames burning in his eyes.

Whereas before even the slightest glare of him made you start wailing, you seemed to be used to him by now judging by how you just giggled even more, patting his chest excitedly in waiting for your praises to be sung. He took a moment to recover before sighing and taking a swig of the vodka anyways, your cheering and laughter returning full force. "Not the worst thing in my mouth that I've woken up to," he admitted after pulling the bottle away again.

At the sight of him enjoying the drink you found for him, you reached to grab the bottle back. He only hesitated long enough for your tiny hands to encircle the neck before pulling it away, holding it over his head. You whined loudly as your grip slipped, adjusting how you sat so you now had one of your feet in his lap. He fought a smile until you straightened your other leg to stand, your entire body weight now placed onto a very certain part of him. He wheezed, dropping the bottle and leaning forward, shoving you off of him and making you fall onto his legs. He was quick to curl his knees up, sending you sprawling within that half of a second until there was a loud thud.

Lucifer needed to take a few moments to breathe, coughing again and looking at the mess of vodka spilled all over his bed. Then came two realizations, ordered in least to most important:

Realization #1: He felt pain from that instead of his usual invulnerability.

Realization #2: You're no longer in his immediate sight.

The latter was answered in one of the worst ways he has come to know, with a sharp whine escaping from your throat where you had landed on the unforgiving stone floor.

He slid out of bed with a wince, looking down at where you were crumpled pitifully. Your doll wasn't in immediate sight and you were already taking a deep, shaking breath, readying to let loose ear-piercing shrieks. He ducked down, scooping you up somewhat awkwardly and looking you over. "No, no, no tears, you're not injured, are you? No blood, no scrapes, you're fine, so you don't need to--"

"Lucifer?"

Realization #1 was now answered, the voice calling out quickly drowned out as you started sobbing. It didn't help how close you were to Lucifer's ears, considering the jolt of pain made him drop you again. Your sobs turned into tortured screams after the following 'thunk' of you hitting the floor from his height and the devil could only cover his ears and shout a quick, "I'M A LITTLE TIED UP RIGHT NOW, DETECTIVE!"

Chloe raced to the doorway, eyes wide at the sight of a vodka-soaked Lucifer with a shrieking child at his feet. "What did you do?!" she asked in shock, unsure how to react before her mother's instincts kicked in; she was on you in a flash, looking over your body and clicking her tongue while hushing you. "It's okay, it's okay," she whispered soothingly.

"I already tried telling them that!" Lucifer argued only to lose his rush of annoyance as your screams turned into soft sniffles. Chloe shot him a victorious look that was mixed with a glare of suspicion due to how he came to acquire a child like yourself. Maybe also about how he got you to cry so loudly, too. Does Trixie sound like that, or are you special? Maybe all children go through a phase of--

"C'mon, baby," Chloe said in a soft voice, scooping you up into her arms. You wrapped your legs around her waist and arms around her neck, nuzzling into her shoulder with a few more sniffles and hiccups. Lucifer sighed in relief, shoulders slumping. "Lucifer," Oh, nevermind, he's tense all over again. "Get... new clothes. You're soaked. _Then_ we can talk about how you were gone all day and not answering your phone because you kidnapped someone."

"They found me!" he shouted after her when she turned and left the bedroom. He huffed, looking at his drenched clothing and bedding. "...Bugger."

* * *

"Oh, it's okay," Chloe cooed to you after prying you off of her and setting you on the bartop. "Was the big bad man mean to you?" You giggled slightly at how genuinely she said this, her hands gently tracing over your body in search of injuries. Finally her grip reached your head and you winced as she just barely touched the back of it, getting a soft coo again. "Oh, it's okay, it's okay. Do you need a kiss better?" You sniffled and nodded, leaning down so she could kiss you on your head, accentuating the action with a loud 'mwah!' at the end which earned even more giggles.

She found herself holding your hands, bouncing the grip playfully while you found your shyness returning. She was nice, at least, but... Well, Lucifer looked mad at her, and you know Lucifer, you just don't know this lady. Should you be upset, too? Is she a threat? ...Is she going to hurt you?

"Can you focus on me?" Chloe asked, snapping you out of your stupor. You shyly let your gaze flick up to her own, getting a bright and pretty smile in response. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?" That made you hesitate, looking away and then back at her again. She didn't falter her expression, but she did drop the question, instead trying to find other ways to pass the time with you.

Lucifer walked out right as Chloe started teaching you patty-cake, buttoning up his new dress shirt and shooting a glare at you. You grabbed Chloe's hands and giggled, kicking your feet excitedly and very nearly hitting her before she stood up from where she was bent down. "Alright, now that you've spent time with the little runt, I have some questions."

"I have some first," Chloe said, pulling her grip from yours. "First off: why do you have a kid?"

"They found me!" Lucifer argued. He sat himself on a stool at the bar next to you, cringing when you reached out and grabbed at his shirt to pull him closer. Chloe fought a smirk while he struggled to push you away. "A new question, what do they want with me?"

"They want a hug, Lucifer." Lucifer looked like he'd rather die than let you touch him any more than you already were, but soon relented when you started giving him puppy-eyes. "Who knew you could be cute."

"Oh, shut it," Lucifer hissed when you clung to him, awkwardly hovering his hands over you before finally placing them both on your back, just barely touching you. "I have more questions, so which one of us should go first?" Chloe gestured for Lucifer to go ahead and he sighed. "Do you recognize them? Any missing child reports, parents begging for their little larvae to return?"

"No reports, and they didn't answer when I asked where their parents were." She couldn't disguise her worry at this point, brows tightly knit together and expression covered in concern for you. "What's their name?"

"They haven't said a word since we met, sadly. Only sounds they made were disgusting laughter and hellish screams." His grip on you relaxed until he was holding you somewhat properly, your face nuzzled into his neck. "Trust me, I would know."

Chloe scoffed, sitting at the bar and resting her face against her fist, elbow supported on the countertop. "How old are they?"

"I just said that they haven't spoken, Detective."

"They look old enough to hold up their hands in numbers if you would've asked." Lucifer clicked his tongue at realizing that he was in the wrong but didn't say anything about it. "They can't be older than five, I think. Do they have a backpack anywhere to check?"

"All they have is some Frankenstein teddy that even the most grotesque of demons would cringe at." At the realization of what you were missing, you let out the very familiar harbinger of doom that was a soft 'eee', muffled into his shoulder. He looked like he had just seen a ghost, prying you off of him and shoving you into Chloe's arms; she struggled to clutch to you before you fell.

Chloe looked incensed, glaring at her partner. "Lucif--!"

Lucifer dashed off to his bedroom, shouting over his shoulder, "Your turn!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have a problem w/ using characters's names too often if there's more than one in the same room but i refuse to change so I hope u enjoy anyways!!!  
> also this is where it probs gets OOC :(


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